I found myself irrationally screaming at my computer yesterday morning.
I’d been trying to do something important, like write a blog post or send that email I’ve been putting off, but found myself in my Google Reader instead, Pinterest open and at the ready. My daily trawl through the wedding blogs is usually one of my favourite things to do, and indeed, time can quite often disappear when I’m ‘in the zone’.
But yesterday was different. I was wound up. Something was irritating me, like when you know you have something in your eye but you just can’t find the f***er. Something so small, so harmless and so usually inoffensive was sending ripples of rage through my body at the speed of light. I tried to ignore it, I really did. But once I’d noticed it, this tiny, usually “ahhhh”-inducing word started cropping up everywhere I looked. After 10 minutes of trying not to vomit in my own mouth, I couldn’t hold it in any more:
“THERE IS NO EFFING ‘WE’ IN ‘WEDDING’!!!”
Yes folks, a teeny tiny two-letter word was causing me to scream expletives at my dear old laptop.
Wondering what the hell I’m going on about? Go to your favourite wedding blog
now after you’ve read this post, find a real wedding and read the report from the bride-to-be. It is everywhere. (WARNING: If I come across as bitter in the following rant, it’s because I am.)
“We are both really colourful people so we knew the wedding needed to be bright.”
“We met our florist at the XXX Wedding Fair”
“We discovered our photographer whilst looking on Rock n Roll Bride one day.”
“We didn’t want to use fresh flowers as they don’t last so we decided to make our own buttonholes.”
Woah woah WOAH. Let me stop you right there, Mrs Just Married. My boyfriend couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the colour scheme. He wouldn’t attend a wedding fair with me if I paid him, and on the odd occasion he has looked at Rock n Roll Bride or any other wedding blog, it’s because I’ve sat on him, got him in a headlock and shoved the lap top in his face. I think he would like a floral buttonhole because he’s a fairly traditional kind of guy and doesn’t know any different, but when I suggested we spend the next 10 months making 1000 paper cranes as a symbol of the patience and care we are going to devote to our marriage, he laughed in my face and said, “Why would we waste the next 10 months doing that?”
No, ladies and gentlemen; there is no ‘we’ in my wedding.
Regular readers and astute Twitter followers will know that my boyfriend is not exactly looking forward to the wedding day. Being the centre of attention, having to publicly declare his love for me, divorced parents coming together… these are all contributing factors to his anxiety and general feeling of doom. He does want to be married- believe it or not- but Paul’s ideal wedding day would consist of me, him, a registry office and a post-marital curry.
This is never happening.
I would elope. If he agreed to whisk me off somewhere remote, and write his own vows, and do it properly, then I believe there is nothing more romantic than having a very private and personal ceremony. But I would want to throw a big party on our return. And this would involve getting dressed up, and all eyes on us, and saying a few words, and being pushed on to the dance floor to “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”… all the aspects of a wedding that he’s dreading.
The fact is we are polar opposites. This has served us well for the last seven years, and is a big part of what attracted us to each other at the beginning. But planning a wedding is bringing all our incompatibilities to the fore, in the most ferocious way possible. The night before last we wound up in the kitchen, accusations of selfishness flying back and forth; at me because I want a ‘big’ wedding and back at him because he wants a ‘so small, no-one will even notice’ wedding. Of course, there is a solution, and it’s spelt c-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e, but this is easier said than done when huge families and even bigger expectations are involved. There will be no first dance- I agreed to that even before we were engaged in a last-ditch attempt to get him to propose. I’ve stood him up in the living room and showed him how we can stand when saying our vows so that he can’t be seen or heard. And if he doesn’t want to do a speech, he really doesn’t have to…. but he does therefore have to agree to write his own vows so that I get to hear something romantic over the course of the day.
If I’m completely honest, I think we both knew exactly what we were getting in to that blissful night back in December, but when you read accounts of other couples who have just had such a fabulous time planning their wedding together, and picking their suppliers together, and feeding each other marshmallows whilst making 424 pots of jam together… well it’s enough to make you write an erratic diatribe about it, it really is.
Talk to me readers- am I on my own here? Is there a ‘we’ in your wedding? Is your boyfriend dreading the day as much as mine? Have you ever vomited in your own mouth??
Would love to hear your thoughts…